Thursday, February 23, 2012

Springtime Sap

I love that memories can be linked to our environment: simple things like temperature, the wind, smells...  Your mind can put you back in another time.  And for me, there's usually a fond memory there.

Today is an abnormally gorgeous spring-y day for the month of February (just like yesterday).  I have been able to kick the kids outside to play for longer periods of time, opened up windows and doors and let the fresh air and sunlight pour in.  Even though I haven't touched cleaning products with my own hands in months (honesty is the best policy!), the house seems cleaner just with the weather's general freshness.  And this is why:

I am reminded of spring and summer days growing up as a child.  My mom may have been ironing in the kitchen, sipping iced tea while reading the newspaper, or changing loads of laundry.  But some things never changed: Dad's latest praise music purchase was playing, the house smelled like lemon scented Pledge or Pine Sol, and the back door sliders and windows were all open.

I'm smiling right now with the simplest memories of my lovely and innocent childhood.  I am a happy girl. 

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Thursday Mourning: a poem

A sudden remembrance
Putting two and two together
I know what you've been up to
And I feel like something's changed.

I don't know why this fell on you
This burden and annoyance
I have no comforting words
except that I love you and we'll work through it.

You are strong no matter what
But I know that you are hurting
The disappointment of dreams lost
The shift of all you'd wanted.

It is a big deal.
Don't you dare trivialize it.
It's okay to cry, to mourn
Though we're ready to accommodate.

A long hug , fighting tears, reality setting in
A prayer spoken on your behalf,
"God, You are good and You could take it.

We trust You, O God.
Let it be and use it, or restore and increase the joy."
We are finite and out of control.
A just reminder of Your sovereignty.

Monday, February 13, 2012

MMM!!! (Mommy Melting Moment)

Last night I was serving dinner to the kids in a staggered order.  Carter was already set up, I called Levi to the table and placed his soup and crackers in front of him; I told the others to follow.  I was prepping the other three bowls when I looked up at Levi.  His eyes were on mine and his little 2 year old hands were intertwined for prayer, held up in front of his face to show me what time it was.  He let out some quiet gibberish and my mommy heart melted.  I have no idea what he was saying, but the heart was there.  He knew that we should pray and give thanks to God for our blessings.  No one told him to do this; no one was doing it for him to copy.  My eyes started to swell with tears as I walked around the counter to him and leaned down.  "My goodness, this boy gets it!" I thought.  He had let go of his hands by then but when he saw me coming toward him, he clasped them again.  He bowed his head and I said a short prayer with him.  He beamed a bright smile then dove into his dish.  For all the frustration that comes along with a delayed speaker, what a gift that interaction was!  How amazing it was for me to be reminded that God hears his unspoken (or babbling) prayers. And the most important part of our lives, how our hearts receive the Lord Jesus, is right on target for our little guy, despite any clinical studies of delay.  Those minutes were my favorite, most precious that I have spent with Levi so far, and definitely worth chronicling.  Oh, and he had just gotten an adorable buzz haircut earlier that day so the image was EXTRA cute!!

Friday, February 10, 2012

Inhale...Exhale...

Wow, it's been nearly a month since I last wrote a post.  I guess that's about right since I was only home for half of January.  I'm not trying for this post to come out as, "Oh, poor me!! Look at all the neat stuff I get to do to break up the mundane...  I am just SO busy!"  I'm just telling you what I've been up to and how stuff got pretty tough recently.

Scott got assigned a shift change to the other side of the week.  Without taking any time off he got a seven day break before his new schedule kicked in.  He wanted to visit the family cabin in Tahoe, so off we went just in time for heavy snowfall over a several day period.  My recently relocated sister and her family joined us for a few days also.  We played games, watched movies, went sledding and had a blast.

After a two-day turnaround, I went on a trip with my sister-in-law originally meant for her and her husband.  He had an important promotion at work that couldn't allow him the time off and the trip was non-refundable.  BUT his name was transferrable, so the romantic Bahamian cruise became an awesome mama getaway.  We ate, sunbathed, read, ate, dressed up, kayaked, explored, played at the Atlantis Aquaventure Park, shopped, did the typical ship activities, and ate.  It was a lovely, refreshing time.  For me though,  my thoughts and heart strings were hijacked about halfway through the trip.  The phone rang in our stateroom and I was told that I needed to call Scott on his cell phone immediately.  I hung up the phone as the room started to spin.  I sat down, but in those moments of panic, uncertainty, and stress, I fumbled to remember how to even make a phone call from the ship!  I called guest services and they patched the call through to my room directly.  All I had to do was get off the phone and wait.  That was a long three-or-so minutes.  I'm sure you can imagine my thought process.  I have to call Scott so at least I know he's safe.  But he wouldn't be calling for anything but horrible news.  Car accident?  The kids?  Parents?  I was sure someone had died; I just had no way of guessing who.  I absolutely hate the heart and stomach drop feeling, don't you?  At last Scott's call came through, and he told me that my Grandma Ruth had passed away.  I was stunned.  Just recently I had heard that her body was healthy despite her blindness and Alzheimer's, both not life-threatening conditions.  My next sentence to Scott will always haunt me a little.  I told him that I felt evil since I was relieved that it wasn't news about the kids or our parents.  Somehow there was a glitch in the funeral planning and I was going to miss it.  Part fine with it, part annoyed.  I don't know how the glitch happened, but still annoyed.  I tried to calm myself down by thinking about Grandma memories on my own, about how she shined with the Grandma role: spoiling, RV camping, the appropriate bragging that comes from a proud Gma, playing games as often as we wanted, long stays at their house, special Christmases, traditions, baking lessons, how we are alike.  It was my personal little memorial for her.  But I longed for family hugs, shared tears, my husband's arms, and a church sanctuary full of young and old who adored that woman.  Yes, that I couldn't replicate.  On the day of the funeral, we were visiting the Kennedy Space Center.  I confirmed it later, but I figured Grandma and Grandpa had traveled there during their lower 48, RV adventures.  So I walked around precious nuggets of history, watched God's glories further than the naked eye can see at the Hubble Telescope IMAX movie, and felt connected to my dear Grandma.  If I had to miss the funeral, it seemed like an appropriate substitute to me.  I share her passion for God, history, travel, and our country.  In spite of feeling left out, it was nice since it all culminated there.

(I must give credit where credit is overdue!  My amazing husband first sent me on this lovely trip and then when the worst happens, he handled everything so beautifully!  He took days off, shopped with all 5 kids for appropriate funeral clothes, attended the funeral in uniform, hung out with my family, served men's ministry breakfast as scheduled one day and more... He seriously is the sweetest and best!)

We arrived home early Sunday evening and in the morning, Grandma's burial was to take place.  My sweet Grandpa had me come early so I could say my goodbyes.  He was standing next to me for a little while and managed to say before chocking up too much or tears overtook him, "There she is.  Isn't she so beautiful?  I never told anybody else that before - how beautiful she was."  I assured him that he had.  I've never known (nor probably will ever know) anyone else who was married to their sweetheart for 71 years.  The loss I was enduring took a backseat as I concentrated on Grandpa for most of that morning.  I can't even begin to imagine...  Then God threw in a little comedy relief as needed.  After his final, "Bye, honey," poor Grandpa's suspenders "malfunctioned" and his trousers began to fall as he headed for the car.  Aunt Bobbi managed to catch them, but in that sad moment, it was a gift to laugh a little.  I can just hear Grandma in that situation scolding him, "OH, BOB!"  Love it...  Until naps were kid-mandated, we stayed with the family and further honored her by enjoying her most famous pie: chocolate torte.

Some heavy stuff to come home to, no?

Tuesday had its own challenges too.  Hayden was at the counter at breakfast and fell while readjusting in his chair.  His arms were wrapped up in a large flannel shirt he was wearing so he couldn't brace his fall at all.  Full impact from a bar height chair: head to tile.  I was doing dishes so I didn't see the contact.  I ran around to find him screaming of course, but his eyes were moving all around while he panicked.  It freaked me out!  I tried to calm him for a few seconds but he wasn't snapping out of his eye fit or focusing on me so I ended up yelling his name.  No bump. No evidence even.  He told me where he had hit his head but he didn't care for any ice.  Throughout the day, he was mostly fine, even taking a short nap.  He was a little whiney, but with the past week they've had... (Grandma's viewing, the funeral, the burial, long family visits, WA cousins to play with, missing me, abnormal schedule and naps) it was not unexpected.  Not long before dinner, he told me his head felt weird.  I tried to have him describe it but he couldn't.  He's had headaches before but this must have felt different to him.  I served dinner and without even one bite in I heard Gracie, "Mommy, Hayden is spitting on his food."  Translation: Hayden is throwing up all over the counter and his dinner plate.  Daddy swooped him up and took him to the bathroom in case there was more, and I cleaned up so the other poor kids could still try to stomach their dinners.  We called our fireman/paramedic brother-in-law who recommended we go to the ER to have him evaluated.  So Scott stayed to put the kids in bed and I went with Hayden.  How many times that boy grabbed the tupperware bowl Daddy provided just in case... he was hilarious.  "Mommy, I have to throw up."  Nothing.  In fact he only did it that one time at dinner, but I think he likes the attention in whatever way it comes.  The doctor could easily tell that Hayden had a pretty good concussion and gave us two options: have a CT scan now or later if things get worse.  Scott and I decided to do it as a precaution since we were already there and one ER copay is better than two.  The doc was kind of assuming that Hay would need to be sedated during the scan, but I confidently told him that I thought he could do it without.  They are cautious about kids getting CT scans because of the radiation amount.  I was praying that he would hold as still as he was told to and we wouldn't have to repeat the process.  Thank goodness, Hayden did great, and I got to stay right there in front of him to talk him through it.  (Another plus for not being pregnant!!! Woo hoo!  One of the last ER visits I was unable to go with Levi to get x-rayed because I was prego.  A gracious friend went in my place, but still... :(  )  Anyway, the scan came back clear: no serious head injury.  To home, to bed, to wake up to a "boring" Wednesday filled with preschool, play, and a huge family get-together at my parents' house in the evening.  YAY!

Many friends of mine on Facebook are really hurting right now.  A parent just passed away or is in the hospital right now, some Mommies and all the kiddos are super sick... This week has seemed to be lots of bad news, and I don't want to diminish anyone else's struggles lately.  But what you just read was half of January and 10 days of February so far.  It's been a roller coaster!  And I'm pretty tired too, so good night.  God only knows what tomorrow will bring. ;)  I'll just be here taking one breath at a time.