Hold Me Up

I had a pretty difficult week last week.  Nothing over the top specific that made it that way.  Hormones? Stress catching up to me? Over tired? Spiritual attack? Fighting sickness?  Scott even said I officially started getting him worried.  Glad to hear that I’m not such a roller coaster all the time and it even got his attention.  And for the 10^th time, “No, I’m not pregnant, babe!” ;) 

On Thursday, the fog started to noticeably lift after some friends prayed for me at my Moms Together meeting.  I had long been feeling a bit discouraged about something and apparently this was the time to unload.  My friend, Audra, asked a simple question.  “How are you?”  Instead of ignoring the simmering anguish in my heart and putting on my mask with a cheerful, “Fine! How are you?”  I chose to be real.  To be honest.  Sometimes people can ask that question and you can tell they don’t want an honest answer unless you are indeed, actually fine.  They just mean to be polite and don’t want to be bothered with a half-hour-long answer.  She’s not like that though.  And poor girl, a half-hour answer is what she got.  Or it felt like it anyway. 

So here is what was on my heart to share, feelings that have been building for quite awhile.  My sweet Levi.  I don’t mean to share only about my stresses, the worries of a mother, the struggles that he goes through… but these do threaten to take up residence in my spirit.  And every so often, after realizing it, I need to clear out their presence.  Unload.  Cast over my cares AGAIN.  Here I am in tears again because I’m bugged that I can’t live in constant faith and peace in this area (or several others).  Many parents struggle with more difficult situations, but these are mine.  

Lately, I’ve been more acutely reminded of Levi’s delays.  The first is potty training.  It sounds dumb, right? He’ll learn when he is able.  Stop stressing about it.  In all honesty, I hate potty training.  And I knew Levi would be the biggest challenge in that department.  My philosophy is, wait until their ability to pull up and down their pants, climb on the seat, etc. needs little to no assistance.  So in my mind, he still isn’t ready.  The special ed. preschool that he attends four days a week, however, started the process ready or not.  They ask that the kids come in pull-ups and take them to the potty on a specific schedule, and we are being told that he is potty trained at school.  Well, this victory doesn’t carry over to home.  He doesn’t communicate the need to go BEFOREHAND, so on more than one occasion I have had a joyful little boy come to me with a soiled and smeared lower half, pulling me to the bathroom where, along the trail, I find spots on the carpet, a brown toilet seat, a diaper in the corner.  He looks up at me expectantly asking for M&Ms because he sat.  AGH!  We’ve had very little success with good timing at home since we are often on the go.  And for those of you who don’t know what Levi wears on a daily basis, he’s got clunky braces on and oversized shoes and a strappy set up that circles his waist, wraps towards his inner thighs, down his calves, and hooks on his laces to secure half-way up his shins.  Did you catch all that?  We need to undo the strap concoction with every potty attempt.  And then of course do it back up.  He definitely can’t tackle any part of his set up by himself.  I have no choice but to just keep taking it one day at a time.  Try when he wants to try.  Hope that his sense of timing improves as he gets older.  I need plenty of warning to undo his get up.  Wait patiently.  Recently, little brother Carter has taken an interest and has had some success going on the potty.  And of course this sparks Levi’s fire to try longer and more frequently because he wants those M&M treats too!  So for I-don’t-know-how-long, you can find me crouched in front of the toilet, cheering on a little boy longing to catch up.  I’ll say it again: I hate potty training.  And now we are involving Carter.  This brings me to delay #2.

Speech.  Carter has taken his time in branching out in communication.  He has been fine getting by with a limited variety of words, and it hasn’t concerned us.  Now he is trying to mimic a lot more and he recently surprised us by counting out objects.  I knew this time would come - the time when little brother surpasses his older brother in speech, to name one.  They are pretty even right now, but in a matter of weeks, Carter will take off.  I feel pulled between two emotions: happiness that I can talk with Carter and hear his cute sentence formations and tone imitations, and sadness that Levi is being passed up by his younger brother.  What numbs the sting is knowing that Levi, at this moment, is (in the best sense) completely oblivious of this unnatural situation and still as happy and joyful as ever.  Meanwhile, we celebrate Levi’s new words that seem to come up daily.  We are working on stringing them together to form cohesive sentences.  Sometimes I catch myself feeling discouraged, then I remember how far he has come in even a year.    

Delay #3: physical stuff.  I mentioned the braces and straps he wears.  Their intention is to force his feet out straight and to improve range of motion so he will walk on his flat feet.  We are about to schedule his first botox injection (weird, I know).  This will paralyze portions of his way over-toned muscles so he can build up other areas to balance things out.  This step leads to more appointments, painful injections, and an uncertainty of it doing anything long-term.  We’ve also been told that in a few years he will most likely be eligible for a surgery that will clip his muscle because he is such an extreme case.  Nothing in these scenarios is comforting.  My boy will feel pain and I need to view it as a means to an end.  Not knowing if his physical therapies are really benefiting him is a tough pill to swallow.  But we have to try and keep trying. 

Delay #4: school.  This isn’t a specific delay.  It is where he is based on his delays.  I might burn some bridges in what I am about to say by implication, but this is my turn to share.  This is me being honest, and you can love me or leave me. ;)  He is in a public elementary school where they have a special ed. preschool.  He gets services provided by the state, and this is part of the package.  While I believe the schedule and routines are very beneficial for him, I have no desire for him to stay in this public system.  Last year when I blogged about Levi’s cerebral palsy diagnosis, several friends messaged me encouraging notes describing stories about their CP kids.  How they were mainstreamed, what their therapies did.  It may be foolish, but I am clinging to their successes.  Each CP case is different.  I have no business comparing, but I can’t help but wish we will have the same kind of story to pass onto someone like me in the future.  My desire is to have all of my kids in the same place.  That place happens to be a Christian school where the big three are already.  I break down and cry, quite literally!, when I consider that dream being threatened.  I cannot minimize the amazing teachers, family feel, wonderful memories that I have that Noah, Hayden, and Gracie are already creating for themselves, and the excellent spiritual formation that will be a HUGE part of who they become.  This place is special; you have no idea.  I get sick to think of Levi missing out on that “village”.  God surely knows the future and has a specific plan for Levi.  I am not in control and we need to take His lead day to day.  But that doesn’t diminish the weight of my desires.    

The fact that Levi has been named by many as “the happiest, most joyful kid they’ve ever known” lifts me up whenever I hear it.  I wonder if God planted that spirit in his core because He knew he’d need a different set of gifts to get through his struggles.  God knows, I’m learning so much by being his mom.  He teaches me to giggle more.  To embrace what matters at a slow pace.  To trust in God’s plan and LET GO.

But when I am tired and I let the uncertainty of the future creep in and cripple me, I fear that that day won’t come.  The day that he’ll be self-sufficient, have a fluid conversation with me, walk with his heels down without those stinkin’ boots on, actually go potty in the toilet BEFORE he’s already gone in his diaper (lol).  I have no promises to hold onto except the most important one: He is in God’s hands – the most capable, healing, loving hands that are the only ones that matter.  And my job is to walk him through each trial - no matter how long that trial is! - reminding him of whose hands are lifting us up.  And I am realizing that when he has a trial, it is also a trial for me.  We may have different lessons to learn, but we walk through it together. 

Being prayed for by my friends on Thursday really did lift my spirits and cut through some of the other heaviness weighing on me.  But I’m still struggling.  In these seasons of discouragement, I am asking you, my friends, to hold me up and walk with us.  Don’t tell me it will all be okay.  Don’t pretend to have a crystal ball.  Don’t say ‘It could be worse.’ (I know that, remember?)  Instead, please remind me to keep my eyes on eternity.  Everything I’ve written about pales in comparison to what truly matters.  I want Levi to love Jesus.  And even though he can’t even say His name yet, we know he does.        

Yay for hand-me-downs

I laid out some jammies for Carter.  He looked at them and reminded me, "No, Levi's!" I corrected him, "Oh, actually those are yours now because you're 2!" (Mommy was veeeeeery delayed in changing clothes out this round.)  Carter giggled and quickly got dressed in his new-to-him Elmo outfit.  Glad to see you so thrilled about the hand-me-downs, buddy!

Nobody called on my Birthday

By the title of this entry, you might think I'm writing a pity post. Well, I'm not.  I only bring it up because it serves as a sad reminder.

Every year as far back as I can remember, I got a phone call on my birthday from my grandma and grandpa.  When my grandma began to decline with her dementia, my grandpa didn't miss a beat.  He had all his girls' birthdays written down and called without fail.  A quick "Happy birthday, Laura! I love you." was all he wanted to say.  I looked forward to it, and it always made me feel like his precious little granddaughter no matter how old I was.  When cell phones entered the picture, I could tell when he was calling.  He had the only "Blocked" number that ever buzzed my way.

Last year, Scott and I were away celebrating my 30th birthday.  I didn't hear the phone buzz and I missed it.  That special "blocked" number called me once again for my birthday.  I was bummed to miss his voice and for some reason he didn't leave a message, but I knew what he would have said.  Two days later while we were still away (one year ago today), I got a different call.  My mom informed me through tears that Grandpa had just passed away.

That 30th birthday is a bittersweet memory now.  Although not talking with him, I knew as always, he didn't forget.  And as this 31st birthday approached, I was emotional knowing that blocked number wouldn't make it on my screen this time.  I missed him then and I miss him now and every day too.

So again, this isn't a sob story about no one calling to wish me a happy birthday.  If you know me, you know I hate talking on the phone anyway! ha!  But the fact that there wasn't the ONE call I loved, made it sting pretty badly.

Today is Grandpa's heavenaversary.  We miss you down here, Oh Bob!  The Giants have stunk since you've been gone. So much is changing around us, but your memory doesn't!  Your smile, laughter, your baby blues, jokes and songs, prayers with thees and thous... We think of these with such fondness.  We continue to be thankful for your loving presence and the deep roots of faith you planted in our lives. 

It's so hard to imagine what heaven must be like, but it is sweeter picturing you there.  Still miss you though. xoxoxo

Recent Excerpts for my Mommy Memoirs

Here are a few conversational gems that I'd like to document for later on in life when all this chaos that I'm living in is a muddled mess of memories and I can't remember facts or specifics of the fun along the way. :D

During one of our BIG, clean-up missions (where Mommy's patience is always tested by leaps and bounds), I decided to throw an unwanted, broken toy away.  Noah spotted me in the laundry room disposing it and emotionally pleaded, "Mommy, DON'T! That's a toy that Levi got for his birthday!  He'll be so upset!  That toy is special to him!!" (It SO was not, by the way.) I tried to shush him so he wouldn't alert Levi to what was going on.  I told him that Levi would be just fine and the toy didn't work now anyway.  He was adamant that Levi would be so upset.  I thought I had succeeded in tossing it without Levi becoming aware, but as I walked by the little guy, sitting at the playroom desk within earshot of the confrontation, he looked up at me with a stern face (taking every cue given to him by big brother) and simply said, "Me set." (Me upset)  It was so hard not to laugh in front of him. Seriously! He didn't even know WHAT I had thrown out; he just relayed Noah's emotion.  Funny kid... It was a great reminder that he catches on to SO MUCH MORE than I realize.


Singing along to a Matthew West song in the car, "Hello, my name is child of the One True King..."
Gracie catches on and asks me, "Mama, how can you be a child if you are a grown up?"  I answer her.  Then she decides, "Well, if you are a child, then I'm a baby.  And Grandma and Grandpa are adults."  haha!  It seems she's assigned us spiritual ages like dog years! Clever girl.

In the car commuting to school, we were playing a popcorn game: go around and name one name of God.  Lord, Messiah, Jehovah, Bright and Morning Star, Alpha, Omega, Emmanuel... we were going for quite awhile!  (Thank you, Michael W. Smith and Amy Grant for the Isaiah 9:6 Christmas song!!)  So, the kids were running out of ideas so Hayden hesitantly offered up, "Man of Steel?" Nice try, cutie.  But He's stronger than that.

I was reading to the kids at bedtime out of 2 Kings chapter 3.  Gracie was getting a little fidgety at my side.  I'm trying my best to ignore it.  "And Jehoshaphat said, 'Is there no prophet of the LORD here, through whom we may inquire of the LORD?' Then one of the king of Israel's servants answered, 'Elisha the son of Shaphat is here, who poured water on the hands of Elijah.' And Jehoshaphat said...(Gracie, what's going on?)."  Noah interrupts, "Wait! He said, 'Gracie, what's going on?'!?"  It took me a second to realize I had blended them together like that, but I was pleased that Noah was paying attention and didn't miss a beat!

And lastly, again preparing to read at bedtime, Noah excitedly asks, "Are we reading 'The Three Kings' again?"  We're reading 2 Kings, love." ;)

The Longest Day (Night) of the Year

On what is known as the longest day of the year, June 21st, I experienced an unfathomable series of events in my mommyhood that truly made me feel like the longest day was longer than normal.  I wasn't exactly laughing as these events unfolded, but in the midst I was proud of my poise and lack of total freak out.  So of course, I need to document this day (or more accurately - about 4 hours - of awesomeness!  You have full permission to laugh and cringe at what you are about to read, assuming I can convey the chaotic scenes well enough for you.  It has gross subject matter.  Read on at your own risk.

Awhile back, my aunt needed to have surgery for a broken foot.  She is recuperating, but that leaves her nearly full-time on the couch.  We were long overdue to visit!  I was scheduled to drop off a meal for a friend already, so I decided last-minute to pack up ours as well, and take my auntie dinner, a bunch of small visitors, and carry out our "family movie night" on her floor.  

We had a really nice visit and meal together.  Set up Shirley Temple's Heidi, distributed the popcorn, and settled in.  A few peeps out of Hayden: "My tummy hurts."  Mommy says, "I'm sorry, sweetie.  Why don't you lay down and just rest?"  Movie continues.  The kids alternate who they snuggle with.  Yada yada yada.  Near the end of the movie - that's when things start to unravel.  For some reason, Levi was standing beside me and he let out a random cough.  I think to myself, "Oh, God, no. I've seen that cough before.  It's a special one."  Here it comes.  He starts to throw up, so I stand up and do what any sensible person does when their kid is puking: try to catch it with my hand and start barking orders.  So poor Levi is coughing and dealing with yucky stuff coming out and I so desperately don't want it to overflow out of my hand.  With an incredulous smirk, I calmly say what I am thinking.  "I can't believe this is happening right now."  I am trying to shimmy him to the sink or somewhere else other than over the carpet, but I'm not being very successful.  I don't want the dear to choke on it either!  I've got one leg flailing to the side trying to kick Carter away from his curiosity.  The last thing I want is him getting acquainted with the chunks on the floor.  Meanwhile, I'm thinking,"Wait a minute!  The wrong kid is throwing up!  Levi has been acting fine.  Great!  Hayden will be next!"  In the middle of that, I've got Noah and Gracie (my sensitive squad) starting to run around and squeal in fear.  "Oh no!  I don't want to smell it!" Uh, I don't want them to smell it either!  The last time that happened in the car, Noah was a sympathetic vomiter and Gracie was one sniff away from becoming one also!  So I'm yelling, "Quick! Run to the end of the hall and stay there! (And of course, every few seconds they would start to wander back to the action and I'd have to remind them again to back up.) Hayden, if you feel like you are going to be sick, get to the toilet!"  This is happening 3 feet away from my poor Aunt Bobbi who CANNOT move or escape.  She has to keep her foot elevated nearly 24/7 and she gets around the house on a scooter.  As much as she wanted to help, she had to just sit there and feel sorry for me.  Well, I felt more sorry for HER!  Luckily, being around kids is not new to her and she fully gets that "things happen" and "you couldn't have known", but still - talk about embarrassment.  Here I am, finally visiting her on this particular day, and I bring a sickie with me.  "Here ya go, Aunt Bobbi! Dinner and a movie and a front row seat to disgusting smells!"  Bleh.

Okay, back to the drama.  We keep the kids away from the disaster area and I am able to get Levi cleaned up (who perked up immediately by the way, "PHEW, I think.  A one time gig!"), jammies in a bag, carpet spraying/cleaning/scrubbing, blow kisses to avoid passing our untrustworthy germs, and then pack the kids and our dinner cooler, blankets, and pillows back into the car.  The sensitive squad states their case over and over again, "I don't want to sit next to Levi.  I don't want to 'fro' up if I smell him, mama.  Mommy, can I sit somewhere not next to Levi?"  Since Hayden complained of a tummy ache already, he gets the privilege of sitting in the back with him.  And the wonderfully awesome kid didn't complain a word about it.  (Just had to throw that in there.  So proud of that guy.)  We're all set and I head back inside for one more thing.  The very best thing.  A Ziploc bag.  "Here Hayden.  Don't hold this over your mouth.  That's not safe because it's plastic, but hold it open and if you're going to get sick, get it in there, okay?"  It occurs to me for a millisecond to give Levi one too, but a) he really is acting like he feels fine, and b) I don't exactly have faith that he would use the bag anyway.  Turn over ignition and... Crap.  I forgot I needed gas.  Alright.  One more thing.  Oh well.  Let's just get these guys home and in bed.  

Five minutes in, things are still going well.  Seven minutes in, *cough cough* Gracie interprets, "Oh no!  Levi's fro-ing up again! Noah, don't smell his fro up!" Now comes that point, if you haven't already, that you might judge me.  Are there some rules of parental etiquette when your kid gets sick in the car?  One might pull over and clean him up, but now that I know he's going to do this multiple times, I choose to race like heck to the gas station so I can clean him there and more importantly, just get home.  Not really in the mood to pull over (over and over again) on the side of the freeway on these lonely junctions by myself.  So I make sure he's okay and coach him through and tell him how sorry I am.  And you know what the sweetheart says? "Me dough-tee!" (That's 'me dirty', but he doesn't say Rs).  I have to smile at that.  He's such a stinkin' cutie!  No pun intended.  While I am trying to comfort him, the peanut gallery daughter is going crazy.  "If he does it again, be sure to plug your nose, okay, Noah?  Mommy, when I get home I am going STRAIGHT to bed in MY room because I don't want to sleep with the boys in their germs... Levi, STOP crying!"  I interject, "GRACIE! Please leave him alone!  He doesn't feel good and nobody likes the feeling of throwing up and he's all messy now, so it's okay that he's crying right now!" Oh boy, did she try to continue but I cut off all plug your nose and 'let's talk about the smell' talk.  Noah chimed in a time or too as well.  About sixteen minutes in and Gracie pipes up again, "Hayden is fro-ing up!!"  Oh my gosh, you've got to be kidding.  Two vomiters are going at it in my NEW - yes, new to me - car that I've had for eight days.  A few seconds later, I hear Hayden's victory cry, "MOM!  I got it all in the bag!"  I'm not sorry to say that I cheered and praised that boy like mad.  

I pull in to get gas, stock my hands full of the paper towels and head to the back seat.  A wave of guilt.  Okay, Levi falling asleep while still "all dough-tee" is just extra sad.  Bad mom award.  I wipe him up, continue to praise Hayden... HOLY COW, that bag is full of a much more liquidy substance than what I've been dealing with on Levi...  THAT would've splattered everywhere!  "Hayden, I know that this is kind of gross - me talking about throw up like this - but you are a ROCKSTAR!  I can't believe you got all of that in the bag!  You are awesome!!" I guess any praise is meaningful to a child.  HAHA!  His whole face lit up with the biggest smile.  Time to go.  "Man!" I'm thinking, "This is the longest drive home ever!"

Back on the freeway and every few minutes I check on Hayden.  "Hayd? Are you awake?  How's your tummy?"  I imagine him drifting off to sleep and the bag slipping from its upright position.  Would his victory be wasted and all of that grossness spill out after all?  Luckily, he still quietly answered each time I called him.  "I'm okay!"  And then the sleeper had some activity and there was Gracie to report it again.  "UH OH, MAMA! Levi is fro-ing up again!!  I'm going to plug my nose because I don't want to fro up too (and she starts heading down that rabbit hole again)."  We're speeding.  A lot.  I'll admit it.  But then the next thing happens.  I know you are all thinking that CHP pulled me over.  Nope.  At the time I kind of wished that instead, but I see something worse.  Lots of red tail lights.  "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Construction traffic at 10 o'clock is not something I cared to add to my agenda tonight.  Can't I just get these pukers home!?"  It wasn't a huge delay, but definitely slowed our mission down.  And luckily, Gracie had no activities to report.

Finally made it home and well kids are put in their beds and sick kids are put on floor blanket beds stocked with a bowl next to the bathroom door.  Falling into my bed (expecting several interruptions in the hours ahead) at 11:41pm, I sent my husband a text that said, "Goodnight.  Prayers please." (I had already filled him in with all the big story elements and he, too, was pleasantly surprised that I hadn't 'lost it'.  Woohoo!)

So that was my noteworthy night.  I seriously hope it won't be repeated or one-upped at all.  But who knows?  With our five, you never know what chaos might be around the corner.  After all, we are the ones who had a similar throwing up catastrophe on a cloth-covered church pew in the second row at our kids' school choir performance right before one of our sons had his first public solo! Ah, impeccable timing, I'd say!   
Definitely one of the times that you just need to flow with the mommy moment and let it play out.  I'm encouraged that I already (not even a few days after it!) am smiling about all of the hilarity and "Are you kidding me?!" moments of the evening.  Sheesh.  Life is entertaining.

Oh!  And another thing.  I miraculously was left alone all night!  Levi and Hayden remained healthy after the car ride.  It wasn't until mid-morning, however, after I was changing some bed sheets in the boys' room that I noticed that poor Carter had thrown up in the middle of the night and I hadn't even known! I was shocked that he hadn't woken up crying or that none of it was stuck to him in the morning.  He had gotten up and was as chipper as usual, poor thing.  Bath time and lots of laundry.  

So, yeah.  One evening.  Three-fifths sick.  Longest day of the year.  How was your Friday night? ;)

My FACEBOOK Hiatus

I just now made an impulsive decision.  I feel the Lord is telling me something, and I'm going to commit to it without hesitating.  

Facebook.

Some love it.  Some hate it.  I'm on the love side, but I've crept over to the "UGH!" side more and more.  It's not about the ads, the vintage postcards that flood my feed, the amount of time I spend on it, or the like and share pictures.  It's about the two lives people try to lead.  The one on facebook and the one for real.  

I try to be a healthy balance of authenticity and vulnerability along with appropriate discretion.  I'm not that afraid to share about my bad days, faults, hair-pulling moments, and the frequent exercise of apologizing to my kids.  But then of course, I'm not going to share details that aren't the vast majority's business either.  And I'm not expecting anyone else to.  I get that people want to share more good than bad, the happy times over "Man, my marriage is really difficult right now!" or whatever the big struggles are.  But I do appreciate showing an honest picture of yourself and family, something missing from so many facebook pages it seems.  (Please note that I did say try.  I'm not claiming perfection or doing the kettle/black thing here.  I'm sure I annoy plenty of people with my posts, and many might think I do exactly the thing that I'm bugged by.  It's probably inevitable.)

For awhile, it was just an annoyance.  (People call it Bragbook for a reason, I know.)  But now, it's become a heart issue for me.  The truth is, people getting praise and compliments for the life they show us when I see a different one offline, has officially "gotten to me."  It may be a form of jealousy, may be it's envy for the accolades, may be disappointment that they are squandering the chance to be an authentic, leaning-on-Jesus light who doesn't pretend.  Some of you might be thinking, "Who cares?  If you don't like what someone is posting, you can unfriend them.  Or even further, what they choose to post is none of your business."  I know that.  So I'm going to take some time away to figure it out.

I can't be away that long as many groups I'm part of rely on facebook to communicate, but I'm thinking a week or so.  And I will miss plenty!  I'm still an advocate for the connectedness that can come from this social network.  How many times have I felt part of the outside world, even as a SAHM?... plenty!  But like I said, this impulsive decision is prompted by the Boss in my life.  I hope that God reveals to me what issues need fixing in my heart.  

So, I just wanted to explain my little absence and take the opportunity to be real.  It's not easy to admit that ugliness in my heart, but I'm sure I will grow in the right areas for showing my weakness.  Love to you all and have a very blessed Easter, everyone.

Stuff my 6 yr. old says

Mom, does God know if I will love him when I grow up or not?  Like, even before we were born did He know that me and our family would love Jesus?

Yeah, He does.  Isn't that amazing?

Yeah.  That's cool.  I was gonna say that we should go to China to tell people about God, but I don't want to get in trouble with their police.

Well, if God tells you to go tell the people of China about Jesus, you need to obey Him even if we think it's dangerous. 

That's right! Because He will protect us!  Every day He will protect us and even if we get shot, He will lift us up and take us up to heaven.

((A little choppy, but I still love what he takes away.  He understands that obeying God is worth any risk.  Protection may look different from what our small minds think.))

And I'm not gonna lie; I immediately tear up when I hear his questions and wonder about our God.  It reminds me of all we know and, maybe more importantly, all we don't know.  What we aren't MEANT to know.  It reminds me of the exact same thoughts I had as a child.  Childlike faith coming back...

Two Reasons Why I Love Taking My Kids Out in Public

Sometimes five feels like a lot.  Sometimes it feels like not so many.  When I am flying solo, it almost definitely feels like a lot.  Like I'm scampering around the house or wherever I am with my limbs working on four completely separate tasks all while herding my sweet little cats around.  For this reason, I don't usually make a habit of stretching myself with the five out and about all alone (depending on what it is of course).  I try to run errands "after mommy working hours" or while one or two or three are in school.  But if Scott is with me, that's a whole different story.  It's not even - we're still outnumbered, but being out as a family feels more manageable for sure.

That being said, I was reminded tonight of two reasons why I love taking my kids out in public - whether it be just 6 or all 7 of us.  The first one is kind of superficial.  The second is not.

We went out to dinner at a restaurant that was participating in the boys' school's fundraiser.  Some of the teachers and staff were "waiters," and the boys loved seeing the familiar faces and jesting a bit about their new jobs.  We decided to eat outside on the patio area (yes, in 63 degree weather).  And seriously, the kids did fine.  Sure, they chewed a few times with their mouths open, Carter got busted for standing on his chair, Levi dropped a fork, Gracie said boogers to someone visiting our table, Hayden yelled his portion of the conversation, and Noah had to be reminded a dozen times to turn around and eat; but really, they did fine.  I wasn't concentrating on that though.  I was too busy thinking about how we practice table manners every night at home for this very occasion.  Home dinners are the dress rehearsals; eating at a restaurant is like showtime!  So I noticed our practiced manners going out the window.  Everyone else saw well-mannered, quiet, polite, and kind children who were doing a fantastic job eating in public!  And they told us!  Not to pat our own backs, but this happens quite often.  I know my own expectations and most of the time the kids know them too: we practice things, walk through situations, prep them before.  It seems to work, and they really do great!  But too often I forget that they are just kids and they will screw up table manners and most other things along the way.  Being in correction mode blinds me from their successes.  Going out in public to eat with all these little guys is tough, but I love doing it since most of the time, some stranger pays them a compliment and I am reminded of the truth that my kids are awesome!!  They are learning, and I am so proud of their effort.  My main focus of parenting isn't behavior, but it does show a lot of what lies within.  I am thankful for these complimenters who put my mind back to where it should be.

The second reason I love taking my kids out in public is you never know what they'll say or do!  We do certain things and talk freely about topics in our own home, but maybe on the outside, people would be uncomfortable about it.  The best thing about my kids is a) they aren't aware that this dichotomy exists and b) they wouldn't care even if they did.  So tonight, sitting out on the restaurant patio right on a busy sidewalk, the kids insist on saying prayers - loudly.  When we pray before a meal, it is seldom only one prayer.  Our kids excitedly raise their hands and say, "Me! Me! Me!" We often end up bowing our heads three or four times.  Well, we got through two prayers tonight and then it was Gracie's turn.  She wanted to sing the Johnny Appleseed song prayer, "The Lord is good to me..."  Already we are somewhat of a spectacle, but then we are all holding hands and singing a thanksgiving prayer before our meal - in public.  I kid you not, there was a small crowd that stopped and peered around the corner.  Wanting to spy but not wanting to disturb.  I got a little shy since I saw them there, but the kids kept singing just as loud and proud as ever.  Praise God that they are not shy about their love of God and their offering thanksgiving to Him.  It excites me, humbles me, and gives me another bullet on my prayer list.  Lord, please keep their hearts pure and free from insecurity.  Help them to stay bold in their words and deeds that honor You and point others toward You.

My point tonight is:  I'm so proud of them.  

Mission (being) Accomplished?

What is home all about? Or more specifically, what is your home all about? Is it about sports programs, play groups, academic achievements? Is it about family gatherings, vacation, Super Bowl parties, fitness, or clean eating? How about hanging out at the church a lot or community service?  Whatever your activities or commitments, I'm not here to judge.  Several of these would fall in our 'yes' pile.  The point of me asking the question is to get you to consider what your family values.  Your kids will catch on to what you care about and probably care about the same.  Where do you put your time, money, and energy and what purpose does it serve?

Scott and I asked ourselves this question a few years ago.  We know how quickly time flies by - this precious, formative time with our five little chicks under our roof - and we didn't want it to get the best of us.  Who wants to wake up in 20 years with regret?  No, we needed a plan.  We needed goals to point us to the end as often as necessary, to remind us of our opportunities for the biggest impact.  Scott met with a mentor friend and threw some ideas back and forth.  The friend had the same thoughts for his own family and they had already gone through this process with great success.

So Scott and I sat down and created two things that are extremely important, in my opinion, for any family.  Especially a family that wants to stay focused and tuned in to the whole point of parenting and life amidst the busyness and craziness of parenting and...life.  We wrote out our top family values, then we put it into a fancier paragraph to create our family mission statement.  (These wreak with our scholastic nerdy-ness because who doesn't love a good acronym!? Easy for all seven of us to remember!)

Here are our family values with the accompanying Bible verses that support why each is important to us:

((Love fully and in order))

Deut. 6:5  
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.

Matthew 22:37-40

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

I John 4:7

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.

((be Educated, humble disciples))

I Peter 3:15
But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect

Deut. 6:4-9

Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

Prov. 4:2
I give you sound learning, so do not forsake my teaching.

((Abide in Jesus and with others))

John 15 (all but specifically this section)
I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

Hebrews 10:25
not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Micah 6:8
He has shown you, O man, what is good.
    And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
    and to walk humbly with your God.

((Do compassion passionately))

Matthew 25:40
 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

Colossians 3:23
And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men

I John 3:18
My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth.

=

LEAD 
Joshua 1:9 (Our family verse) Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Our family mission statement is this:
We will be a family that is defined by our LOVE for God first, others second, and ourselves last.  We will be EDUCATED, humble disciples of Jesus who are always seeking His will in our lives.  We will ABIDE personally in our relationship with Jesus, closely with our family, in our community of faith and in an influential way throughout our world.  We will DO all things with a passion that is defined by our compassion for others in need and those God calls us to serve.  We will boldly LEAD in the way that we follow Jesus and not be held back by the limitations or expectations of any person.

We love the tri-bond nature of the values, mission statement, and verse, one leading into the next and so on.  I know this seems a little complicated (a friend of mine has a short, one sentence family mission statement), but the main part to communicate with the kids right now is what the L.E.A.D. stands for.  They can learn the "why verses" later.

Scott and I really enjoyed this little homework assignment.  We collaborated and discussed core desires we each brought to the table.  We learned more of why each thinks certain things are really important.  This is a personal assignment, watermarked by past experiences, lessons, character, and every family's will be entirely unique.  TEAMWORK produces such an amazing feeling of growth and being cherished.  And most importantly, as Scott (and I) lead the family and make decisions (about anything!), we have this to ask ourselves: does it naturally fit into our family values?  Is it covered in our mission statement?  We love that as our kids mature, they will be able to see and understand how and why Mom and Dad made the decisions we have.  What our goal as a family is.  What our home is about.

I wanted to encourage anyone out there to tackle this project for your own family.  Especially in light of the current Bible study book I'm reading, Parenting Beyond Your Capacity, and the discussions that stem out of it.  (This idea hasn't been addressed in the book, but it does talk about focus and the end goal and pairs very nicely.)  I know how meaningful the mission statement has been for this home and hope that you can experience the same.  And with all the artsy/crafty people out there, I'm sure amazingly beautiful representations of these values could start hanging on walls in homes everywhere.  Here is how ours hangs:

My Own Joy Dare

When I was a young girl in school, the teachers would give each student a character trait award.  A fancy piece of paper and my name being called as a good thing?  That was definitely fun for me growing up!   But more importantly, it was an opportunity for the teachers to share what good spiritual fruit they recognized in your life.  I have no clue if my mom still has those papers somewhere, but I do remember this: I was awarded joyfulness at least a few years.  May be I had a bubbly personality; may be I liked school so it was easy for me to be happy there; may be I had a wonderfully blessed childhood so it was easy for me to be joyful, period.  A few years after leaving the school, I was speaking with one of my former teachers.  We were reminiscing over all the fun times, and he shared an insight that I cherish - a key to this whole joy thing.  He said, "You know why you were such a great student and stood out?  It's because you had the best lookout on everything.  You came in the first day of school and said, 'This is going to be the best year!' and then you made it happen.  You chose to have a great time."

Fast forward to college.  In my final two quarters of the education program, we were set up with student teaching assignments.  Our master teacher would allow us to take over classroom responsibilities, teach subjects, and "play school" in order to prep us for the real world.  In the course that partnered with it, we were given tips, guidelines, and feedback for our student teaching experience.  One rule our professor had has stuck with me for seven years and counting.  She basically said, "When you show up to school or work and someone asks 'How are you?', you are never to say anything about being tired.  We're probably all tired!  Many people say it without a real consideration so the start of their day has begun with a complaint.  I don't care if you are incredibly tired.  This is your chance to learn how to be a professional and positive, so think of another thing to say."  Believe it or not, it was a real challenge to stop myself from saying exactly what I shouldn't.  SUCH a good exercise!  I carried that practice into my teaching career, but as my life evolved and my profession shifted, I have fallen away from that good habit. 

So how do these two stories relate?  It's about choosing a response.  I don't want to be known as a complainer.  Joy is about choosing an attitude of gratitude no matter what is going on around you or with you.  I've taken some time as an adult to study and understand this character trait especially.  And I think anyone with two brain cells can assume I'm tired.  Five kids or one.  I doubt the number of kids makes much of a difference.  I don't need to have that as the first thing out of my mouth.  My mom used to say, "I'm a mom.  I'll be tired for the rest of my life!"  I'm confident she's right, but that doesn't mean we all need to talk about it and commiserate! ;) Dare to choose a different response to the question, "How are you?"  Of course this doesn't mean you can't be honest.  Last week, I was having a wretched time with one kid's health including a full day at Kaiser.  I could honestly say, "No, I'm not doing very well..."  This response differs from the off-the-cuff-I'm-tired though. The first naturally leads into a prayer request conversation.  The latter is just a short complaint and doesn't necessary lead anywhere.

Several months back, a facebook friend posted a beautiful picture with the caption, "Today is a good day simply because God made it." I don't remember what she said about it, but whatever it was, it convicted me.  When was the last time I said I had a good day?  Not even based on my circumstances but because I was alive and I recognized that God is good!?  I was a complainer! I wasn't having that "great time" simply because I forgot I had a say in the matter.  I forgot to make the better choice.  Whether it was reporting back only the negative dealings with the kids at the end of the day or describing our busyness or back to the "I'm tired..." response, there was not much of or any grateful attitude shining through!

So I asked myself, "What happened to the girl who was widely known for her joyful spirit?  She is caught up with all the negative.  She is forgetting the power of perspective."  Therefore, I'm back to the professor's rule.  I am going to try to choose a more joyful response in my heart and out of my mouth.  You have full permission to call me out if you ask me how I'm doing and I respond FIRST with a complaint - especially telling you that I'm tired! 

The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.

Luke 6:45

Why do you love me?

I've said it before, but I don't know if I've ever blogged it.  So I'll say it now.

I have never grown more in my relationship with God than when I became a parent.

There is more I understand and can relate to: just as I desire our kids to trust and obey, choose love, and yes, even love discipline itself, I imagine our Heavenly Father desires the same from us.  Simple truths of this relational model come out at various times, and they are - by far - my most personal and teachable moments.  

The best, bare bones truth revealed itself tonight, and I was flooded with a desire to share it.  I was finishing up a simple yet effective discussion with Noah about his poor attitude this evening.  I, myself, was in a funk also because I was tolerating the hints of disobedience and disrespect instead of slamming on the brakes when I first saw him slipping.  I recognized that I needed to stop and address things.  After I pointed out some of the problems, he broke down crying and lunged at me for a repentant hug.  He had felt the dissonance too but didn't know how to pull himself out.  I had to sit him down and point out his sin. (Has God had to do this with me?  Absolutely!  And I haven't even gotten to the good part yet!)  Putting a new lesson about truly forgiving the kids' daily offenses and moving on into practice, I said three things to him:

I forgive you.

It's over and done.

We are right again.

I felt released.  He felt released.  More hugs and mommy thoughts like, "Oh my goodness, I can't believe this kiddo is 6 years old already.  I'm so glad he still fits all curled up in my lap; I know this won't last too much longer!!"  Then I said, "I love you." Without any pause or consideration he replied, "I love you too." The quick response spurred me to ask a question.

Why do you love me?

He answered, "Because Jesus loves you." I had every intention of reciprocating the question so I could claim his identity and reassure him of all that yummy love stuff.  But I couldn't.  I literally opened my mouth and just the start of a squeak came out.  Then a moment later after thinking about it I said, "Wow.  I really like that answer."

To sum up Noah's part of the story, I want to note that he was a huge delight for the rest of the evening.  He was back to his quick and obedient, "Yes, mom! Whatever you say!" bits and cooperative spirit.  I learned a lesson about taking a time out to really discuss downhill behavior as a means of stopping it.

But my bigger lesson was hearing why my son loves me.  It wasn't the typical "because you're my mommy!" or "because you make me peanut butter and jelly." It was the most honest answer that I think we forget so often.

Why do you love me? 
- Because Jesus loves you. And if Jesus loves you, I should love you too.
So if Jesus loves me it means I am worthy of love.  

I John 4:19
We love because he first loved us.

That's the most fundamental reason we should love anybody.  He loved us first, so we not only should love others as a response to His love but also because they are loved by Him and worthy of love.

You are worthy of love.
And I love that my Noahbear reminded me of that tonight.

Why I blog

Where was I in January and February?  Good question!  Darned if I know.  All I can say is I reeeeally did miss putting my thoughts and memories on the page.  I read something the other day that perfectly pinpointed why I blog.  It's not just to add an expectation for myself or to prove that I still have a (somewhat) functioning brain.  Here is what Lysa TerKeurst, one of my favorite wise ladies, wrote:  

Not everyone will be published but having your thoughts, life lessons, and creative stories captured in a place outside your mind is good. I would treasure one page of wisdom written by my great grandmother. But all her words died with her. And that makes me sad.

So, if you feel inspired to write- write.

If not a whole book, one page.

If not a whole page, one sentence.

I write so it's out there and doesn't get lost in the constant shuffle mode that are my thoughts.  That being said, I'm also going to start blogging some things for our church's women's ministry.  Woohoo!  Fun way to be stretched, for sure.

One issue that kept me from typing away is that so many of my posts have accompanying pictures. There's some weird hiccup in the "put a pic in your blog post" world.  They say I have maxed out and are asking me to pay for more storage.  I don't understand how this can really be true, so I've been frozen for awhile.

Beyond that, the months have been busy.  Cleaning up Christmas, dealing with stubborn sicknesses, enjoying a girls' weekend away, school program, Valentine's Day stuff, a birthday retreat for the husband and me, church events, meetings, family fun, more sickness: all wrapped up inside the "normal" routine.  Yes, my favorite end-of-the-day choice has been vegging with Scott in front of the DVR.

And as I write this, I know that life will always be throwing its curveballs and extras.  March and April might look even more packed!  So the difference now, I guess, is that I miss it too much.  I have a loooong list of things I've wanted to write about.  And Lysa, my new bff (lol), told me to WRITE!