Steps and Stops

A long time ago, I heard something in a Cornerstone sermon that really made an impression on me.  It was a simple statement, but it has become a favorite point for me to reflect on.  With some recent happenings and conversations in our family, it is once again echoing in my mind.

"God orders our steps and our stops."

Imagine you are making decisions pointing you in a certain direction.  Your heart is in it, your reasons make sense, and you feel supported, even led to go a specific path.  You feel like your decisions are lined up with where God wants you.  And then you start living out those decisions.  And then you realize that something is wrong.  

This is where I (or we) found ourselves soon after starting homeschool.  We love the concept of homeschooling.  We especially love the specific learning method that we had adopted using Classical Conversations.  But I figured out quickly that just because you love something, it doesn't mean it's the right fit for your family.

The biggest catalyst to this realization was the extra attention that our cutie Levi needs.  Not trying to make him the scapegoat... It just is what it is.  I was pouring out so much of my time and energy on prepping, schooling, planning, etc. and, as painful as it is to admit, not giving Levi the special attention that he would benefit from.  Yes, homeschooling boasts the opportunity to be flexible.  And believe me, we were flexible.  However, with so many outside appointments and therapy sessions and just - life, much of our "usable productive time" was sabotaged.  I doubt anyone would expect the boys to school in the afternoon - not gonna happen.  When we were making alternative schooling decisions, I shared with a friend that I feared that people would hastily judge me for giving up without really trying it or giving it a fair shot.  Her response was so comforting.  She said, "You had basically been planning to homeschool for the last 3 or 4 years.  You plan, research, get excited for opportunities... But all that time you had no idea that one or any of your kids would have special needs and what that might entail.  No one can judge you for having to make other plans based on what the needs of your family are."  I am not saying that homeschooling with special needs kids is impossible or wrong.  Our very personable God works with each family on a case by case basis, and I am only sharing our case. ;)

There were other things that went into the decision not to homeschool, but I don't need to write a novel here.  All of them can be summed up with: It was evident that God had a different plan for us.  A great verse kept coming to mind: Proverbs 16:9 - A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.  As curious as I am, I'll probably never know for sure if God intended us to dive into homeschooling to experience how it would be before turning our heads toward a different direction.  As another friend encouraged us, "You never know what will work for you until you actually try it, so I commend you for what you did!"  But I feel like God very likely could have ordered our steps to homeschool so I could empathize, have a broader understanding, and to kill the "what if I had...?" questions that would resonate in my head for years to come.  Now I know because we tried.  And then He ordered our stop.  And it takes courage to stop and figure out where He does want us if homeschooling is not His best plan.

I say courage because a private education had thus far been kept off the table - but only due to fear.  I would have to rely a little too much for God to provide the tuition, so I didn't honestly consider both options He had put before us way back when.  (And no, I don't want to get into the public vs. private debate.  Everyone has their own convictions and opinions.  Mine are probably different than yours.)  Taking homeschool out of the equation, we have the opportunity to rely on God's provision even more than we already do.  I may be a little nervous, but I am excited for our stewardship skills to be stretched and strengthened.  (The Gillespies are brushing up on our good ol' Dave Ramsey notes! ;) )

All of this stirred in my spirit, by the way, as we were nearing our mission trip to the Philippines.  I felt so distracted because I couldn't stop thinking about this even though I knew it would be wiser to only prepare for Cebu.  Well, the subject erupted out of me to a few people anyway, but Scott tried to hold off on the big conversation.  So when did we actually get to talk about all this?  Opportunities for prayer and counsel about this subject had unexpectedly popped up while hanging out with the Shields, so Scott started to hear a little more during the trip.  On the last night in Cebu, we were finally able to delve deep into our expectations, emotions, realizations, and started praying for a joint sense of peace.  Thank the Lord, that came fast.  For that reason, jet lag was an absolute blessing.  What do you do in the middle of the night when you can't sleep?  Pray and talk about it.  

As more jet-lagged, prayerful nights passed, we had both been given two points of peace: stop homeschooling, and look into Ygnacio Valley Christian School after considering a few other schools.  Following a meeting with the principal and the beloved Kindergarten teacher, Noah and Hayden being interviewed, and filling out paperwork, we were able to transfer just in time to begin the 2nd quarter!

Another point that I don't need to exhaust is why we chose YVCS over other schools.  But as many of you know, my connection runs deep.  Not only was I a student there for 9 years, but I returned to teach there as well.  The philosophy of the school matches what Scott and I are looking for.  That doesn't come along easily, and it makes the trek to school completely worth it.  And now that we have taken the plunge, we have no doubts or hesitations.  It feels like coming home.  It feels like God is ordering our steps again, and we are heading in the right direction after the homeschooling detour. 

Now that we commute to Concord, all the kids rise and shine by 6:45 and are out the door by 7:30.  A little over a week in and we haven't been tardy yet!  Some days I have to go back and forth a couple of times.  Other days I camp out at my parents' house and spend some extra time playing with the younger three or taking Levi to his therapies.  For now, Levi's preschool is on hold.  I am stretching him (my physical therapy homework), and we are continuing to help him learn and mature his skills through play.  The driving doesn't bother me yet; it gives me lots of time to think, talk to the kids, sing our favorite Presidents and timeline songs, and worship with K-Love.

Feel free to ask the boys how they like their new school and teacher, Mrs. Nass!  They are loving it.  And so am I.  Any sadness I might have felt for not getting to do all of the homeschool activities we had hoped to is completely offset by knowing that our kids are already loved by exceptional people who are sharing their amazing talents and gifts.  Whatever good intentions we had can now graduate to a great reality with these teachers' help and presence in our kids' lives!   

Although this was a sharp turn that we never would have foreseen, we are so grateful for what we've learned, our growth in unity, and God's blessings on this path.  And now many of you are thinking, "Goodness, why are you so wordy about it?  So what?!  Now they go to a school..."  Haha.  Well,  this post is more for me anyway.  There are crazy social pressures to school all kinds of ways.  I guess I wanted to put it all out there: that our decision is a big deal to us, that we didn't just hastily or selfishly change our minds, that we aren't choosing to go along with something that isn't right for us, and we aren't embarrassed about any of this either.  I also want to publicly say that you will have my support and understanding in whichever way you choose to school your kids if you are pursuing God's desires and steps for your own family!  

Wow, that was a longer post than I thought it would be!  Thanks for taking the time to read the back story to our big change of plans! ;)